he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
