I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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