i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
