i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
