My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
