What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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