Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
