is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
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I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
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So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
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