Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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