cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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