Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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