roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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