I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
