No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
