M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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