Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
