She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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