Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
