Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
