i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
