I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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