I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
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I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
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The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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