quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
