Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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