it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
