Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
