Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize
