you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
