a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
