she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Vodka?
Forever.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
