the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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