I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
