i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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