There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
