Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
