She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
