Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
