also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I smell stomach acid.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
