he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
