Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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