She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
