Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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