went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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