Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
