I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
