i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Walk of Shame today included voting.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
