I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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