My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
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