I am puke
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You were trust falling into bushes
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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