I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
