On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
