I wish my penis had an off switch
"it" just moved
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
