hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
