I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Randomize
