dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
