Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
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Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
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According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
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