just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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